Sunday, May 22, 2005

Forget Saturday's Post.

God, I wish that I could make up my mind. I don't know if I'm trying to convince myself that I enjoy being alone all of the time, or what. I think that I am. I think that I'm doing it to make myself feel better about being constantly lonely. I can't get ANYONE to do anything with me. Everyone's double booked up and can't wedge me in for a lunch. Everyone's already got plans. Everyone's got to make waffles. Everyone has something to do but me. Do you know what my weekend decisions consist of? Do I clean my bathroom or kitchen first (kitchen usually wins, for those of you who are curious)? How many times should I run the sweeper? Do I keep re-reading Pride and Prejudice, or should I play the Sims and see if DEFACS comes and gets my kid? And playing The Sims 2 is depressing, because my Sim is married, with a kid, and is popular! How the HELL can a computer game character be cooler than I am?

I have gone from the person that everyone wants to be around to the social retard in the corner. I guess it's because people faked liking me because I was president. You know, I got them everything that they wanted. Now? Nope. I tried to be a good friend to lots of people, and apparently you know - I just can't give them what they want anymore. I have nearly no one who wants to do stuff. Everyone's busy. And, come August, I will have class EVERY NIGHT of the week. Which leaves my weekends free to write papers and sit by myself, because the weekends are the time of the week when it's inconvinent for people to do stuff with me. I'll be a "rotational friend," as someone so aptly put it. Just someone to be wedged in when they have time for me.

I mean, yeah, I have a family who loves me, and I appreciate it. I just have problems connecting sometimes because I put emphasis on the stuff that's gone wrong with them. But aside from them? I feel so alone. I can't get a decent guy - I just get the schlubs who want to stalk me (Randall), use me as a supportive gravy train (Herb) or sell me cutlery (Doug). Wow. I'd just seriously love LOVE to know what the hell is wrong with me that makes people not want to be around me unless I can do stuff for them. I'm tired of sitting here by myself waiting for someone to call me. I'm tired of asking friends to do stuff with me and them say no, but every time THEY ask ME to do stuff I'm right there like a damned PUPPY DOG - why am I right there? Because I want to do stuff with someone SO BADLY that it doesn't matter if it's a good time for me or not... I'll do it. I could be in the middle of a heart attack and I would make time to do something with someone if it meant I COULD GET OUT OF THIS APARTMENT. I hang out with someone and they act like I'm the be all and end all... and what happens if I ask them to do stuff with me at a later date? "Oh, well... blah blah blah... I have plans for the next six weeks... how about I call you when it's good for me?" And then I sit AT HOME staring at my sweeper. Or reading a Jane Austen novel again. Or watching Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure for the 50th time. Most non non non triumphant.

There are some people, and you know who you are, who I have pestered to no end because of how I feel. You're not responsible for entertaining me. You're not responsible for putting up with me. Basically, you're not responsible for how I feel, and therefore shouldn't have to deal with it. I'm making a resolution here and now. I'm not going to ask people to do stuff anymore to save myself the rejection of them saying no. If people want to do stuff with me that's cool, but I refuse to ask people if they want to do things. They're just going to say no, they don't have time. It's nothing personal against people, and I know I've made this resolution to myself before, but THIS TIME I'm gonna keep it. Oh, and resolution #2: I won't talk about how I feel to people anymore, because it's just annoying them and ticking them off; I know it is. If I'm upset, or lonley, or depressed, or whatever, I'll post how I feel up here - no one reads this damned thing anyways, and that's what I started it for. You know, since I can type faster than I write. Next time I feel the urge to cry myself to sleep like I've been doing because I'm depressed and trying to figure out a way to fake myself through it like I usually do, I'll just type how I feel on here and hopefully, God willing, I'll feel better. Hahaha - at least I can still make myself laugh.

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