Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Freaking Damned Insecurity.

You know, I hate being as insecure about people as I am. I know that people kinda care, and that they're willing to do stuff for me if they have to, but I'm always so scared that they're doing stuff not because they want to, but because they feel like they have to so I'll feel better about myself, or because they feel guilty about a situation that they've snookered me to be in - a situation that I totally understand and yet am beyond aggravated about. I can't ever come flat out and say "Hey, yeah, I'm upset at you about *blank*" because I'm always so scared that they'll get mad at me and just up and go, so instead I fluff it with things like "I don't expect you to want to do stuff with me" and "you don't have to do anything for me." And they don't, but I'm not gonna lie - people going out of their way to ask me to go places is COOL. And so is the occasional treated meal (read: occasional, DARNIT - 3x in one week is about 3x too many). But I don't want them to think that I want them to do stuff for or with me, only that I appreciate it when they do, because again, I don't want them to think that I'm a selfish such-and-such.

What I really can't help feeling, and I wish I wouldn't feel like this because I know it's not true, is that some people are only around me as long as I can do stuff for them. Help them out with things, go to nice dinners, stuff like that. Once the well dries up, then so will the friendship. Today for some reason (because I SO had enough credit on my AmEx, and if it gets charged through I will KILL Los Reyes) my AmEx got declined, and they had to get lunch, which SUCKED because I wanted to get it as a thank you for asking me out. She said something like "This is really my fault anyways, so it's not a big deal." That hurt, because I don't want her to think that you know, she has to feel remorseful about the fact that I *love* doing stuff for her. And I really do enjoy doing things for her b/c I know how much she appreciates it. And, to a degree, I do it b/c I want someone who doesn't have to care about me, care (as in not in my family). But there's this nagging voice trying to convince me she's just around me because I do that, so I keep doing it - and that's why I'm so scared that if I can't do it anymore, well... *sigh* We're going to FL next week, and I'm looking forward to it. But again - there's that voice saying "You're just going b/c you're her only friend who can afford it... and who'll go out to those expensive dinners... and who has the time off." UGH. I just want a nice vacation. Why can't the voices in my head leave me the hell alone?

And then there's always the topic of my depression. She bolted like a wild horse last time I got like this, and I didn't blame her. It hurt but I understood. And I know that me feeling like this again REALLY makes her (and everyone else) not want to be around me, and again - I understand. I'm really basically the cause of my own problems, and if she were to tell me to go jump off of a bridge again, because she can't handle it anymore, I'd gladly acquiesce.


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