Friday, May 27, 2005

Life's still suckin'.

God, I hope my DVD of Sideways comes in the mail today. I'm tired of being by myself. I've left the apartment ONCE this week. One time. And I know people are busy, but not spending time with them has emphasised just how little other people feel like doing anything with me. All I'm good for is when other folks are bored, they call me and I do stuff with them. If I want to do stuff, though, I can go through my ENTIRE phone book to try to get someone to hang out even a week in advance and I can't get anyone to do it. I'm good for talking people down from trees and making them feel better about themselves. I am GREAT at improving someone's self-worth. I will be there for everyone through every problem that they could ever have. But what happens when I need to talk, or I have problems, or anything like that? Nada. Nothing. Everyone's always too busy to listen to me, so I get to spend the time here, alone, thinking about them. I really don't think that anyone knows how much it hurts to just be everyone's back up, or their psychologist. I need one too, dangit. I need someone to talk to when I get to feeling that my life's a waste. Which it is. Now that school's out, I don't have anyone to really help, or who looks up to me, or who cares about me. I know, in some odd way, those kids all did. That made me feel so much better. But now? I'm sitting here waiting on people to ask me to do stuff. I've asked people several times if they wanted to do anything, and no go. Or else I do get to make plans and they cancel them. That's ALL I DO. I'm going to start my masters degree soon. Does it matter? No. It doesn't, because it won't benefit anyone but myself. And, apparently, I'm only good for stuff when it benefits others. If other people need things, that's when I'm useful. But what happens when I need stuff? I wish I had someone or something to make my life worthwhile. Right now I just feel like everything's a waste of time.


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