Thursday, May 26, 2005

Wow - another night alone!

I'm tired of this. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of no one caring enough to make plans with me unless they're bored or have nothing else to do. I don't expect people to want to do stuff with me, regardless of how much support I give them. I won't mention stuff I need back to people b/c I don't want to hurt them - I'd rather put myself at a disadvantage for them than deal with them being upset at me. Why? I'm not worth it. My friends (see below post) are the ones I'll do anything for. I'm not worth doing stuff for. It's not that I don't appreciate it when people do stuff for me, because wow - I do SO MUCH - but it's more or less that I really don't do anything to deserve people's time being spent with me. If people feel like doing stuff with me, they'll call. And wow - my phone's been ringing off the hook. I don't know why everyone feels like this towards me, but it hurts. And I really want to fix it, I do, but I'm scared to go to the doctor to get meds, b/c it makes me feel weak. And I can't tell my friends how much I hurt, because a lot of them left the last time I was depressed like this, and I don't want that to happen again, and I don't want to make people feel like they have to listen to me, or do stuff for me, because they don't - it's not worth their time. I'll have to keep dealing with this by myself, because taking up people's time is rude, and so is asking them to do stuff that'll take up their time. I'm sticking fairly well to my "don't ask people to do stuff" resolution. If I get told no almost every time I ask, what incentive do I have to ask? If you want to do something with me, you'll ask. If not, you won't. Seems like the latter of the two keep happening more and more.

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