Monday, July 04, 2005

The Wal-Mart brand sleeping pills SUCK.

Pleh. I need to try stronger ones so I don't lay awake in bed deconstructing everything in my life for an hour. Ok... maybe not everything, considering the fact that would entail laying awake for longer than said hour, but I digress. No... I'm trying to talk myself down from every compliment any person's ever paid me, because I have myself convinced that I'm not worth it.

I've pretty much figured that the compliments and nice stuff people do for me is done entirely to shut me up and give me an inflated sense of ego so I will stop being a depressive RETARD for 2.4 and a quarter seconds. It's not that I've done anything to deserve the complements, but rather it's because the people that I'm around would just love to keep me from bringing them down. I've also convinced myself that it's ego inflating fluff as well when people tell me "Oh, you're the only person who would/does/will do..." No I'm not. Everyone else out there has 20 other friends, all of higher quality than I am. What do I have going for me? I'll give you a hint... it has my name, 16 numbers, and an expiration date. What I am is the friend who can "afford" to do what other friends might balk at, because I am nice. Nice, and I realize that if I take that one thing that I have going for me away, well, then, perhaps I won't have anything going for me to begin with, and lo - I am at home with my homework and ramen noodles 6 nights a week (Sunday is family day, you know). I am the expendable friend with the expandable wallet.

Oh, and by the way, that little diatribe wasn't directed at anyone but myself, so chill... I have enough inadequacies about myself that I don't need to start thinking of those of my friends.

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