Tuesday, July 05, 2005

What's up with the 5th?

So, I decided to take my morning off to drive to the tanning bed, and lo, it's closed still for the holiday! Poopie. I guess I'll have to go tomorrow. Unfortunately we still have SSED today, so I have to drag myself up to campus for a discussion on an article and for a discussion on the next chapter of our textbook. I'll be doing the article description first... get it over and done with.

Anyways, I didn't fall asleep last night until 1:30 courtesy of my constant think-a-thon. I hate it. God, I annoy the crap out of MYSELF. Can't imagine why people need to take a break from being around me... I wish I could take a break from being around myself too. I'd probably be truckloads happier. I try to overcompensate, to make my depression tolerable, by going out of my way for people to give them an incentive to be around me, so I'm not totally alone, and it still doesn't work. People still need a break. Well, I'll fix that. Really. No more depression to them! I REFUSE to vent to people anymore about how I feel, or what I feel, or anything. Doesn't matter if something catastrophic happens to me - no one'll have a clue unless they read my blog - since that's where everything'll go. I'll keep on feeling like this to myself, because it's better that way - because I hate knowing that my friends have to take a break from me. That makes me feel horrible, just absolutely horrible, knowing that my personality is really that crappy that people only want to be around me when they can handle it. Well, you know, I only want to be around me when I can handle it too.

I know I need to go see someone about this, but I'm sure that my insurance doesn't cover it, and even if it did, it probably wouldn't help a damned bit. I'll still have that reputation of being like I am now, and people still won't want to be around me unless they have to be. And then I get to beat myself up because I wasn't mature enough to handle my problems on my own - and they're not even that big of problems, which make me feel even BETTER about the fact that I can't handle them.

I guess, in general, I don't want to tell people how I feel because of what happened last time... only the people who didn't know the true extent of my depression (with few notable exceptions) still wanted to be around me, and still do. Everyone else talked about me behind my back and pressured me to go get help not because they knew how much I needed it and because they cared about me, but because they wanted me to shut up. I screwed up a lot of friendships because I am how I am, and I have a feeling I'm doing it again.


Lauren said...

yeah i tried to go to the tanning bed today too... and yup, mine was closed as well. fuckers... I had to go to class today... why do they get the 5th off?

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